Grief and Loss

My other area of specialty is grief and loss. It is at that moment of heartbreak, bereavement or deep disappointment that we truly get in touch with what is important to us.  I have been privileged to provide a safe place for many clients to express all the complicated emotions that come with loss. I have compassionate strategies to help you adjust to new situations, honour the special memories and move forward with your life.

It is too easy for us and others to mistake the intensity of grief reactions as pathology. Did you start to think you are going crazy or start to panic that the tears or numbness would never stop? It is so important to have a safe place to talk about your loss with a qualified professional outside the family.  I am a Clinical Psychologist and can give you a general road map of what to expect in those first awful days, weeks and then some in helping managing the roller coaster of emotions which can follow on anniversaries and other “firsts”–events or holidays following your loss.

It is so important to be able to tell the story of your loss, to make sense of what has happened and to find ways to adjust to a new normal. Many clients feel as if they have become members of a special club, the club of the bereaved. It isn’t a club they ever wanted to join. They hate that feeling and do not want to talk about it.  Often they do not want to burden their friends and become more and more isolated.

Grief and Loss - Roses

If grief and loss is not readily acknowledged or supported by community rituals it becomes more complicated.  As human beings we all grieve for the death of loved ones. We also grieve other losses which are often more private and not talked about.  These could include:

  • the breakdown of a relationship
  • the loss of a job or promotion
  • the unexpected loss of a dream
  • the loss of never having the biological child because of infertility
  • miscarriages
  • trauma
  • the loss of healthy functioning and physical abilities
  • the death of a pet
  • leaving a familiar neighbourhood
  • the shock of migration
  • having a child leave home

Even when the loss is one that is readily recognised the message might be, “Haven’t you got over that yet?” Or, “He or she is in a better place, just try to be brave.”  Platitudes can be distressing and although people mean well, their comments can be hurtful.  Unless they have experienced their own losses, it is difficult for most people to understand that grief and loss is cumulative.  Each new loss adds up. It is not uncommon for my clients to say they find themselves more “cut up” over the dog or cat dying, than the relationship breakdown.  Then they feel guilty. That is normal.  It does not mean there is anything wrong with you.

After many years of working with grief I have come to the following insights.  We grieve because we love and care deeply about the person, the ideal situation or the dream.

Different people grieve at different rates and in different styles. Instrumental grievers who are traditionally, but not always, “blokes”, do not talk about feelings, do not  cry but get really busy doing projects, establishing charitable foundations or building memorials. In contrast, the Expressive grievers, who are traditionally women,  tend to cry, talk about their feelings and reach out for support.  These differences can add strain to relationships and families.  That is especially the case if one way is seen as the right way and people are judged by the way they grieve.

These labels, Instrumental and Expressive, are only words that psychologists have applied to styles of grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.  There is also no manualized treatment approach which will work for grief. BUT it is really important to have someone who will truly listen to the story and not judge you.

We need to make sense of what has happened and to give our lives and suffering meaning.  In my own grief journeys and work, I have taken comfort from the words of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a pioneer in this field.  She wrote:

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen

I have been inspired by the way so many of my clients, with the appropriate support, used their grief and loss as a catalyst for personal growth.

This may resonate with you. If you want to learn more about how I could accompany you on your grief journey,

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